Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Feeling guilty

So it has not been a good couple of weeks. I woke up last Monday.... or rather I didn't as I spent that day and the following two pretty unconscious. I'd dragged myself home for one night at the weekend for my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary - which consisted of arrive at parent's house, nap, go to anniversary dinner, go to bed, come home, nap. But other than that I knew things were going down hill, just not how far down the hill I'd rolled.

By Thursday and Friday I was actually able to check my emails, catch up on the essential things that I had to be done. But a couple of hours concentration in a day was all I could muster. The weekend was similar. Helped Husband take a radiator off a wall (why did we find that so exciting?) and stripped a bit of paint from old skirting boards. Then it was back to work.

I started feeling achy, but I thought it was just the stripping having a delayed reaction - it was rather awkward to do. Then it got worse. Woke up this morning after a very crap night, feeling like a horses have been driven over my bed to pummel me in the night. So another email to my boss, saying was it ok if I worked from home today?..... why do I feel so damn guilty! He is very understanding - but as someone who is very fit and healthy how do you explain without sounding whiny? You try and describe how the brain fog feels - yesterday I came up with the lack of concentration/stamina is like when you're trying to watch a TV show when you really should be in bed and you find yourself drifting off....

I'm there and I'm paid to do a job. I have achieved a lot in 6 months - rewritten policy, built relationships, got to know the university and handled an insane Bulgarian academic on more than one occasion. So I know I have achieved something, and I don't think there has really been anything that I haven't done because I've either been off sick or not been up to my best. And yet the guilt still seeps in.... because I'm not being "normal" and I need "understanding".

I think it is probably best if I wheel out the spoon theory and maybe a few things from Action for M.E.'s publication catalogue. Even though I know he is trying his best to understand, sometimes I think that hearing how other people describe the illness might be easy to process.



doctor/woman said...

calling in sick is a process which makes me feel guilty every single time, no matter what is wrong with me. but sometimes a day off in time is better than 5 days off later when yoou've worked yourself into the ground

BegMeilBlue said...

Suggest grinding insane Bulgarian academic into small swallowable pills and consuming on regular basis with whisky... Do NOT feel guilty! I've never been normal and your twenties is NOT the time to start this fallacy. x

AdventuringJen said...

the calling in sick guilt is such an odd - and so common - one. and the i-know-what-i-can-and-can't do guilt too.
Ah dear.
But. You do mighty well, there isn't anything to feel guilty about (as well you know, I'm just reminding) and yes, I think using someone else's words like the spoon theory sounds a very good idea.